BeeBee's 365 Challenge

for the little things that make me happy

Day 157: I’m a Work in Progress

on June 5, 2012

I have had a most horrendous result on the scales this morning. In just one week I have managed to wipe out a month of hard work.

I want to lose weight:

1. For me.
2. So I’ll look better.
3. So I can wear nicer clothes.
4. So I can feel more in control.
5. So I will like myself more.
6. To increase my self esteem.
7. So I can eat in front of others without feeling self concious.
8. So I don’t stand out in photos just for being the fat one.
9. So I can wear the clothes I want not just the styles that fit.
10. So my legs will stop aching all the time.
11. So running will be easier and less of a concious effort.
12. And be able to exercise in public without the fear of embarrassment.
13. So I can be less tired.
14. So people (family & strangers) will stop criticising what I wear.

I’ve had a sneaky peek in my diary and there are now 14 weigh ins until my 36th Birthday. I thought that I would have cracked this all by now. That I’d be settled and know what I’m doing.

Instead, I am a married and slightly unstable mother of two. Never in a million years would I have said I would be a writer or that I would have a recipe book that is open for the world to see. Saying that back when I was deciding who I should be, the internet didn’t exist and my support network wasn’t great.

It was expected that I would be great. That I would be sensible. That I would follow in my maternal family’s footsteps of being a well-known part of my hometown where they are so infamous. To be part of the town’s fabric.

As I am, I stand out. I’m tall, I’m large, I have big red hair, a big loud voice. Out and about I have the persona of being that loud/fun person. It’s hard work. At home I’m quiet, most of the time, I crave a certain amount of silence (as much as you can get with 2 young children whose idea of fun is seeing who can scream loudest & highest). I tend not to speak unless I have something I want to say. I’m quite a serious person and don’t take things lightly. I can get competitive over the smallest of things and plan things in my head down to the smallest iota.

What I need to do is feel comfortable enough in my own skin to not have these loud outbursts that scream look at me. And most of all I need to work out why I want to be validated so badly by everyone I meet. Any advice is welcome.

Today’s Activities: Listening to Jillian Michael’s Podcast.

BeeBee x

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