BeeBee's 365 Challenge

for the little things that make me happy

Day 134: Rollercoaster

on May 13, 2012

It’s been one hell of a week.

I feel that I have been fighting myself and the system.

This week alone I have had some incredible highs, I’ve also had some exceedingly low dips. As I write this I’m coming out of the other side of a nasty bout of gastro.

It must have been the start of what I was feeling last week. It has truly wiped me out this weekend. To the point where I went to watch the Barcelona Grand Prix earlier, instead I pretty much slept through the full thing (waking up for… well you know it is gastro and I’m not into TMI on here).
And to think it’s only a week since we had Thing 1 at the hospital. So I’ve not been looking after myself properly. The binge eating I battle everyday is starting to correct itself. Albeit I’m still eating junk (cake & choc) just the quantity has dropped dramatically. It’s just a shame I’ve not eaten anything else but those items today as it didn’t make me feel ill.

This is a step forward. I know that I am the only person that can help me. To do this I have to be honest. Lately weight loss has not been important to me. Surviving has. Not acting on the dark thoughts that bubble to the surface.

People can try and help, but they can only tell you what they want you to hear. Rarely is it want you want to hear, sometimes it is what you need to here. For me it didn’t help.

Others offering opinions when I am in THAT place is detrimental, opinions when I’m in that place make me question my own thought process that I have been carefully managing since I was 15 and tried to take my own life.

To bring about change I believe that person has to reach a private rock bottom. Everyone’s level is different and each trigger is unique.

For me to survive I need structure and variation. I truly believe that I have a mild form of ADHD I have issues with many things long term relationships (strange that I’ve been with The Husband for 12 years), concentrating for long periods of time (I have a job where I have to concentrate for long periods of time), I am fastidious (but have the ability to just not care a lot of the time). Overall I’m selfish, but wrapped up in a people pleasing person.

I’m complicated, but I’m me. I have never wanted to be anyone else. I want to be liked for being me, I want to help others and I feel things and feel them hard.

This is me.

Today’s Activities: Listening to a four-year-old Thing 2 read his school book.

BeeBee x

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