BeeBee's 365 Challenge

for the little things that make me happy

Day 48: Friday

on February 17, 2012

Sometimes I feel I’m not cut out for the world. Like I don’t fit in.

Today is one of those days. Life is good inside my BeeBee Bubble. But, when I step out I feel like that 15 year old on the hospital ward. So many emotions just swirl round & round. Standing at the school gate is getting harder and harder, just walking down the street is near on impossible.

Next week is half term here in Bumpkinsville, I have the day off with the Brothers Thing on Monday and back to work on Wednesday. The idea of stepping outside tonight is giving me palpitations. I know I’ll be fine when I get there, but it’s making me wonder why I bother trying.

Am I a hated person? Are people talking about me? Why do I even care? The questions in my head are at such a level I can’t step out the door without full war paint on. Last time I felt this bad I wound up on anti-anxiety medication. I have no problems with the idea but I don’t want to do it again.

It’s taken me 15 years to get to a place in my life where I don’t need to take a handful of tablets on a daily basis just to operate like a normal human being should. I don’t want to rattle like a bottle of tablets again.

Frustration is another thing I feel a lot of the time. There are things I want to do and say. There is the person I wish I could be. I get frustrated that things get to me.
The fact that I feel things so intensely yet don’t get how I can have the same effect on someone else. I’m a fairly open book. You want to know something just ask. No one really asks. Does that mean that no one cares? And if someone does ask I’m now often to far down to tell them the truth and just say ‘yeah, fine you?’. It’s a vicious circle that keeps repeating.

The circle is getting bigger and soon I’m scared it will swallow everything whole and I’ll be left with just me.

It is now, that my challenge for this year is so important. To grab hold of the little things. To celebrate them when it appears that everything is falling apart.

Today’s Activities: Spending the morning at the coast with The Husband just wandering aimlessly.
BeeBee x

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