BeeBee's 365 Challenge

for the little things that make me happy

Day 46: Fake it to Make It

on February 15, 2012

I’m trying really hard to remember the reasons why I want to lose weight.

Just 6 months ago I had it sussed. The pounds were falling off at a rate of knots. I believed in myself and in what I was doing. I had events planned and other goals and targets.

I’m no longer seeing those losses, I have no events planned, and so far no other targets to work for.

This time last year I was obsessed by dropping to the next dress size. Finding the perfect platform shoe. That passion just seems to have disbursed. I have five months worth of Elle magazine subscriptions just sat in their plastic wrappers. My jeans no longer fit, my black trousers are tight. It’s not good. It makes you feel horrid. Which in turn doesn’t inspire you to eat well or healthily.

I like things to go to plan. If something I’ve planned to happen or even doesn’t go the way I believe it should have I crash hard. Right now I’m still crashing. Struggling to keep my head above water.

I know it’s my choice. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be morose. I have cut myself off from many of my friends. I don’t know how to get back to where I was. I have felt split in every direction as if everyone needed something from me.

So today I have come to the decision that I have to dig my copy of The Secret out. And basically fake it until I make it. To be a thinner person I need to dress like a thinner person. To be that polished mummy at the school gates, I actually have to try, wear make up, do my hair keep myself groomed. I can’t let the negatives swim around my head no matter how much they want to stay there.
Yes I’m low maintenance, but I have high maintenance dreams. Grooming was never something that I was encouraged to do as a child. Probably, because I wasn’t the most popular of kids. I had friends but I didn’t have the confidence that the others did. I didn’t go out as much as the others. I also passed from group to group so never really took part in the big adventures.

Even now I panic at the thought of being surround by people, no matter how well I know them, and can – and sometimes do – run away to my bathroom or to the sofa in my pjs with a blanket and a book.

It’s going to be a battle but for the sake of my happiness & the future of my family I must win.

Today’s activities: ordering 2 ‘silk’ scarves off Ebay & opening my parcel of 60 nail polishes.

BeeBee x


One response to “Day 46: Fake it to Make It

  1. Sara says:

    Big hugs Rachel. This one brought tear to my eye (I’ve had one of those weeks and the slightest thing can set me off!). As I’ve said before – if you ever need a chat etc – you know where I am xxx

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