BeeBee's 365 Challenge

for the little things that make me happy

Day 7: Finding Balance

on January 7, 2012

So we are coming to the end of what could be this year’s shortest working week. The weekend is ahead.

The weekend is the dieter’s hardest time. Routine disappears and family time is at a maximum.

I am a person of habit. I need a bit of structure or at least the pretence of a plan. This weekend however is slightly different as my eldest boy Thing 1 is currently at a bowling party. I could have stayed, but to be honest too many grown up people make me feel really awkward.

Too many people have the limitless capability to question myself and my behaviour. Do I act and speak like an appropriate adult/parent? No on a whole I don’t think that I do.

I don’t know why this is. I am a responsible person on a whole. I’ve acted old my whole life. Yet I don’t have any confidence in myself when around other people. I am unable to voice my opinions or even make myself heard at times. About the only place I go and can shine is my Slimming World group.

But this can’t go on forever. I’m 35 now. I’d thought by now I’d be one of three things:

1. Capable
2. Thin or slightly more macabre
3. Dead.

It would appear so far all those vacancies are still open.

I’m struggling with balance. The need to appear a grown up, when I’m still as lost as a teenager, I want to be a role model to people. I’d like to be respected. I do have an overwhelming desire to please, I hate being wrong. I am really bad with waiting, yet don’t like to be late so turn up early everywhere. I’m eager. I want everything to happen and to happen now and work 1st time.

None of this traits are really that useful when it comes to weight loss. It is a waiting game. It’s a long-term thing not a quick fix. This is for life not for tomorrow.
Life is forever not just the end of today.

Yet, on a whole, I believe that I need to learn to live in the present and live for the now. Like many people I have many roles, I’m a mother, I have a job at a news agency, I volunteer, I’m a carer and a writer. I can’t fit it all in. Something has to give. Last year it started to be me. I crumbled physically and emotionally. I stopped caring about me. I gained nearly 3st in weight in just 2 months. I was having panic attacks after stopping some medication.

I carried on doing everything for everyone else. This year there will be change. This year is about me. Making me happy for a short time everyday.

Yes staying at that party would probably be the responsible thing to do. But, it wouldn’t have made me happy, which would have then impacted on Thing 1. My goal with my children is to raise two responsible, independent happy boys. I can’t do that effectively if I have forgotten how to be me and how to have fun.

Today’s activity: Window shopping at Monk’s Cross and buying a shaker for my kitchen (to make batters and beat eggs etc).

BeeBee x

My new shaker (apols for the angle)

My new shaker (apols for the angle)

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